I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
