weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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