I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
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