What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
