Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
