My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
