So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
