Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
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I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
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What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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