I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
