Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
