tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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