I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
