The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
