This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
