The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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