So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
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My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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