You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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