yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
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so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
How external is "for external use only"?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
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Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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