i jhust puked up my retainher.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
