Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
