I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
