:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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