There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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