the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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