Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I FOUND THE LEGS
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
