Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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