What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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