I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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