So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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