he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
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when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
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who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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