What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
