Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
