OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
3 2 1 whiskey
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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