Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
