Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize