My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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