doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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