I'm gonna have a badass scar
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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