I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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