I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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