I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
