I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
