you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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