Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
