At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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