Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
