u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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