I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
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I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
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i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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