I just threw up on my dentist
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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