I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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