So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
