The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
