My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
