The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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