the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
