so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
