ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
