When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
