I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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