Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
