Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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