Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
