Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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